Telling your spouse you want a divorce...

Coming to the decision that you want a divorce is hard but having to tell your spouse is even harder. I don't want to say that this post will make it any easier but I am hoping that after reading it you will be more prepared and know what to expect; this may help throughout the actual divorce. An article in total divorce gives some suggestions to work towards a "healthy divorce". First they suggest to "acknowledge your contributions" by this they mean don't place all the blame on your spouse. Second, "listen" make sure you communicate your feelings clearly and listen to your spouse's reaction. Third, "consider your spouse's feelings", divorce can bring up an array of emotions, so acknowledge your spouse's reaction. Fourth, "think like a business person", eliminate as much negative energy as possible. Fifth, "do your homework" understand that after the divorce you will be starting a new life. (Image Source)

If you feel as though those tips were not enough and you want some more suggestions before making the big step of telling your spouse, Divorce Aid also has tips to help you tell you spouse. Divorce aid states, "You may think that you both believe that the marriage is over. Be careful. This could still come as a complete shock to your partner and the way you communicate this decision will pave the way for future discussion during the separation or divorce process". These tips include, "choosing a time carefully", they suggest to pick a time when you will not be disturbed. If you have children make sure they are with a close relative or friend. Next, try to speak slowly and calmly. They state that shock may set in, therefore you will probably need to quietly repeat your decision to your partner several times. If you have children they suggest to try to agree on immediate concerns about the family's welfare and most importantly agree about telling the children together.

My suggestion would be to make sure you are clear on your decision before you decide to bring divorce up to your partner, and if your not sure don't tell your spouse you want a divorce but let them know how you've been feeling, you may be able to prevent a divorce. However, if you are one hundred percent positive that you want a divorce, just remember to consider your spouse's feelings when you tell him or her. (Image Source) For more information on how to tell your spouse you can visit, divorce resource and family law software. GOOD LUCK !!!

Life After Divorce...Men vs. Women...

Is life after divorce easier on men or women? Honestly, it depends on the people but after doing some research it appears that more studies show that women are far less saddened or devastated by their divorce than men. (Image Source ) According to an article in the NZHerald "women are far more likely than men to come out of divorce feeling liberated, relieved and happy". A survey was conducted with two groups, those who had divorced in the past two years and those who had been divorced for longer. According to their survey, more than half (53 %) the women who divorced in the past two years said they were relieved after their divorce, compared with only 46 % of men and one in three women said the divorce had made happier but only one in five men said they were more content. Lastly, the survey reported that men had double the level of suicidal feelings, with 7 per cent saying they had considered taking their own lives. After reading those statistics, I came across an article in Psych Central that stated men are nearly twice as likely to experience depression after a divorce or breakup than women.

Men there is some hope out there, an article in the Observer states that recent research shows that divorce makes men "particularly fathers" significantly richer. According to this research (done by Professor Stephen Jenkins, a director of the Institute for Social and Economic Research and chair of the Council of the International Association for Research on Income and Wealth) "when a father separates from the mother of his children, his available income increases by around one third. Women, in contrast, suffer severe financial penalties. Regardless of whether she has children, the average woman's income falls by more than a fifth and remains low for many years". He found that, when a man leaves a childless marriage, his income immediately rises by 25%. Women, however, suffer a sharp fall in income. (Image Source)

As I have stated before divorce is not an easy thing to go through, although research studies show that women can bounce back quicker than men this is not the case for everyone. If you have gone through a divorce and feel liberated, more power to you!!! If you have gone through a divorce and are making more money than ever, more power to you!!!

Divorce Myths...

Seeing as how my blog discusses everything associated with divorce, I thought I would give people a heads up on the many myths of divorce. According to A publication of the National Marriage Project and Discovery Health there are ten myths of divorce, however, I will only be discussing what I believe to be the five biggest myths. (Image Source) The number one myth about divorce is "because people learn from their bad experiences, second marriages tend to be more successful than first marriages". Apparently, the divorce rate of remarriages is higher than that of first marriages. Another big myth (which I actually thought was true) is "living together before marriage is a good way to reduce the chances of eventually divorcing". A number of studies have found that those who live together before marriage have a higher chance of divorcing, yet the reasons are not well known. I hope that anyone reading this blog pays close attention to the next myth, "having a child together will help a couple to improve their marital satisfaction and prevent a divorce". NO NO NO the last thing you want to do is bring a child into the world when your marriage is heading towards divorce. According to Discovery Health "many studies have shown that the most stressful time in a marriage is after the first child is born". The fourth biggest myth to me and number six on the list is, "when parents don't get along, children are better off if their parents divorce than if they stay together". Discovery Health states "A recent large-scale, long-term study suggests otherwise. While it found that parents' marital unhappiness and discord have a broad negative impact on virtually every dimension of their children's well-being, so does the fact of going through a divorce. In examining the negative impacts on children more closely, the study discovered that it was only the children in very high-conflict homes who benefited from the conflict removal that divorce may bring.". The number ten myth and the last big myth on my list is, "It is usually men who initiate divorce proceedings", as I've written in my previous blog on How to Cope with Divorce, women initiate two thirds of divorce. To read the other myths not discussed here, visit Discovery Health or The National Marriage Project.

While looking into the different divorce myths I came across some other interesting myths that I would like to share. Divorce Source has an article on the "seven myths of divorce" some of which I found interesting, Myth 3- "Women bitterly regret divorce", not true. Most divorced women do not regret divorcing. Moreover, divorced women are generally happier than divorced men. And one large study suggests that many middle-aged women become happier after their divorce. These women showed an increase in positive self-image and self-esteem and were inspired by their divorce to gain more control of their lives. Myth 4 was a myth I have often wondered about "Women emerge from divorce more emotionally scarred and psychologically damaged than do men", according to divorce source, not only are divorced women happier than divorced men, but they are better off emotionally too. This myth was so interesting to me that I will dedicate a post to life after divorce looking at both men and women.

Many times people spread around information that they've heard thinking its fact when in actuality its just a myth. I always think its a smart thing to know everything possible about a situation, so for example if you're considering living with your partner before marriage thinking it will pevent divorce, now you know there are studies out there that prove otherwise. Not to say you shouldn't do it if thats what you want, but hopefully you'll do it now being more aware of what the outcome might be. (Image Source)

How to Cope with Divorce...Men and Women

Going through a divorce is not easy for any couple. However, although both soon to be ex-husband and ex-wife may be equally embarrassed, hurt and distraught, the experience is different for men than it is for women therefore, how a man or a woman will cope with the divorce is is also different. Some say it is dependent on who seeks/initiates the divorce, others say its much more complicated than that. According to the Divorce Seminar Center women initiate two thirds of divorces, because women are aware of problems in their marriage earlier and "studies show that divorced men report depression twice as often as divorced women".

MEN! An article in ezine articles states that when going about trying to pick your life back up after divorce men fall into a few basic categories that seem to come from your instincts. The first category is fight or flight, this is where men tend to flee from their troubles after divorce leading to denial of their problems. This is when men try to cope by drinking or sleeping around which can lead to depression. The second category is to fight. This is when men take on their troubles and hope to beat them, except that the real target is their emotions. (Image from Flickr) So men, distract yourself by getting out and enjoying the fresh air or spending some time with your friends, having fun. It may seem like an impossible thing to do whilst coping with a divorce but you will find it a lot easier to deal with if you have some time out with other company. Try to take your mind off your divorce and have a laugh. Avoid these categories!!!

WOMEN! A women and divorce blog states there are three steps you can follow to help you cope with your divorce. First take care of yourself, which includes securing your finances. Second, establish a support system, seek out the aid of friends and family and if you feel they are not supportive seek out a women's support group. Last, counseling is always beneficial never harmful. Counseling can help you process your lifestyle changes. (Image from Flickr) Ezine articles says that the first hurdle that you must overcome is this deadened feeling, and to do this is to make a list of things you need to sort out. This may not help you emotionally but it will get you focused on fixing your new life.

Remember coping with a divorce is a process, do not try and skip steps invovled in trying to deal with any grief. My adivce to both men and women would be to deal with your feelings, don't ignore them or fight them, it is normal to feel a variety of emotions after a divorce. Also, express yourself, if you feel that you need to talk about something find someone to talk to; do not alienate yourself from your loved ones and friends. The best advice I can give is to remember that although a chapter in your life is now over; your life isn't. It may not feel this way initially but you have to remember your future, set new goals and dreams in your new life!!!