Telling your spouse you want a divorce...

Coming to the decision that you want a divorce is hard but having to tell your spouse is even harder. I don't want to say that this post will make it any easier but I am hoping that after reading it you will be more prepared and know what to expect; this may help throughout the actual divorce. An article in total divorce gives some suggestions to work towards a "healthy divorce". First they suggest to "acknowledge your contributions" by this they mean don't place all the blame on your spouse. Second, "listen" make sure you communicate your feelings clearly and listen to your spouse's reaction. Third, "consider your spouse's feelings", divorce can bring up an array of emotions, so acknowledge your spouse's reaction. Fourth, "think like a business person", eliminate as much negative energy as possible. Fifth, "do your homework" understand that after the divorce you will be starting a new life. (Image Source)

If you feel as though those tips were not enough and you want some more suggestions before making the big step of telling your spouse, Divorce Aid also has tips to help you tell you spouse. Divorce aid states, "You may think that you both believe that the marriage is over. Be careful. This could still come as a complete shock to your partner and the way you communicate this decision will pave the way for future discussion during the separation or divorce process". These tips include, "choosing a time carefully", they suggest to pick a time when you will not be disturbed. If you have children make sure they are with a close relative or friend. Next, try to speak slowly and calmly. They state that shock may set in, therefore you will probably need to quietly repeat your decision to your partner several times. If you have children they suggest to try to agree on immediate concerns about the family's welfare and most importantly agree about telling the children together.

My suggestion would be to make sure you are clear on your decision before you decide to bring divorce up to your partner, and if your not sure don't tell your spouse you want a divorce but let them know how you've been feeling, you may be able to prevent a divorce. However, if you are one hundred percent positive that you want a divorce, just remember to consider your spouse's feelings when you tell him or her. (Image Source) For more information on how to tell your spouse you can visit, divorce resource and family law software. GOOD LUCK !!!

Life After Divorce...Men vs. Women...

Is life after divorce easier on men or women? Honestly, it depends on the people but after doing some research it appears that more studies show that women are far less saddened or devastated by their divorce than men. (Image Source ) According to an article in the NZHerald "women are far more likely than men to come out of divorce feeling liberated, relieved and happy". A survey was conducted with two groups, those who had divorced in the past two years and those who had been divorced for longer. According to their survey, more than half (53 %) the women who divorced in the past two years said they were relieved after their divorce, compared with only 46 % of men and one in three women said the divorce had made happier but only one in five men said they were more content. Lastly, the survey reported that men had double the level of suicidal feelings, with 7 per cent saying they had considered taking their own lives. After reading those statistics, I came across an article in Psych Central that stated men are nearly twice as likely to experience depression after a divorce or breakup than women.

Men there is some hope out there, an article in the Observer states that recent research shows that divorce makes men "particularly fathers" significantly richer. According to this research (done by Professor Stephen Jenkins, a director of the Institute for Social and Economic Research and chair of the Council of the International Association for Research on Income and Wealth) "when a father separates from the mother of his children, his available income increases by around one third. Women, in contrast, suffer severe financial penalties. Regardless of whether she has children, the average woman's income falls by more than a fifth and remains low for many years". He found that, when a man leaves a childless marriage, his income immediately rises by 25%. Women, however, suffer a sharp fall in income. (Image Source)

As I have stated before divorce is not an easy thing to go through, although research studies show that women can bounce back quicker than men this is not the case for everyone. If you have gone through a divorce and feel liberated, more power to you!!! If you have gone through a divorce and are making more money than ever, more power to you!!!

Divorce Myths...

Seeing as how my blog discusses everything associated with divorce, I thought I would give people a heads up on the many myths of divorce. According to A publication of the National Marriage Project and Discovery Health there are ten myths of divorce, however, I will only be discussing what I believe to be the five biggest myths. (Image Source) The number one myth about divorce is "because people learn from their bad experiences, second marriages tend to be more successful than first marriages". Apparently, the divorce rate of remarriages is higher than that of first marriages. Another big myth (which I actually thought was true) is "living together before marriage is a good way to reduce the chances of eventually divorcing". A number of studies have found that those who live together before marriage have a higher chance of divorcing, yet the reasons are not well known. I hope that anyone reading this blog pays close attention to the next myth, "having a child together will help a couple to improve their marital satisfaction and prevent a divorce". NO NO NO the last thing you want to do is bring a child into the world when your marriage is heading towards divorce. According to Discovery Health "many studies have shown that the most stressful time in a marriage is after the first child is born". The fourth biggest myth to me and number six on the list is, "when parents don't get along, children are better off if their parents divorce than if they stay together". Discovery Health states "A recent large-scale, long-term study suggests otherwise. While it found that parents' marital unhappiness and discord have a broad negative impact on virtually every dimension of their children's well-being, so does the fact of going through a divorce. In examining the negative impacts on children more closely, the study discovered that it was only the children in very high-conflict homes who benefited from the conflict removal that divorce may bring.". The number ten myth and the last big myth on my list is, "It is usually men who initiate divorce proceedings", as I've written in my previous blog on How to Cope with Divorce, women initiate two thirds of divorce. To read the other myths not discussed here, visit Discovery Health or The National Marriage Project.

While looking into the different divorce myths I came across some other interesting myths that I would like to share. Divorce Source has an article on the "seven myths of divorce" some of which I found interesting, Myth 3- "Women bitterly regret divorce", not true. Most divorced women do not regret divorcing. Moreover, divorced women are generally happier than divorced men. And one large study suggests that many middle-aged women become happier after their divorce. These women showed an increase in positive self-image and self-esteem and were inspired by their divorce to gain more control of their lives. Myth 4 was a myth I have often wondered about "Women emerge from divorce more emotionally scarred and psychologically damaged than do men", according to divorce source, not only are divorced women happier than divorced men, but they are better off emotionally too. This myth was so interesting to me that I will dedicate a post to life after divorce looking at both men and women.

Many times people spread around information that they've heard thinking its fact when in actuality its just a myth. I always think its a smart thing to know everything possible about a situation, so for example if you're considering living with your partner before marriage thinking it will pevent divorce, now you know there are studies out there that prove otherwise. Not to say you shouldn't do it if thats what you want, but hopefully you'll do it now being more aware of what the outcome might be. (Image Source)

How to Cope with Divorce...Men and Women

Going through a divorce is not easy for any couple. However, although both soon to be ex-husband and ex-wife may be equally embarrassed, hurt and distraught, the experience is different for men than it is for women therefore, how a man or a woman will cope with the divorce is is also different. Some say it is dependent on who seeks/initiates the divorce, others say its much more complicated than that. According to the Divorce Seminar Center women initiate two thirds of divorces, because women are aware of problems in their marriage earlier and "studies show that divorced men report depression twice as often as divorced women".

MEN! An article in ezine articles states that when going about trying to pick your life back up after divorce men fall into a few basic categories that seem to come from your instincts. The first category is fight or flight, this is where men tend to flee from their troubles after divorce leading to denial of their problems. This is when men try to cope by drinking or sleeping around which can lead to depression. The second category is to fight. This is when men take on their troubles and hope to beat them, except that the real target is their emotions. (Image from Flickr) So men, distract yourself by getting out and enjoying the fresh air or spending some time with your friends, having fun. It may seem like an impossible thing to do whilst coping with a divorce but you will find it a lot easier to deal with if you have some time out with other company. Try to take your mind off your divorce and have a laugh. Avoid these categories!!!

WOMEN! A women and divorce blog states there are three steps you can follow to help you cope with your divorce. First take care of yourself, which includes securing your finances. Second, establish a support system, seek out the aid of friends and family and if you feel they are not supportive seek out a women's support group. Last, counseling is always beneficial never harmful. Counseling can help you process your lifestyle changes. (Image from Flickr) Ezine articles says that the first hurdle that you must overcome is this deadened feeling, and to do this is to make a list of things you need to sort out. This may not help you emotionally but it will get you focused on fixing your new life.

Remember coping with a divorce is a process, do not try and skip steps invovled in trying to deal with any grief. My adivce to both men and women would be to deal with your feelings, don't ignore them or fight them, it is normal to feel a variety of emotions after a divorce. Also, express yourself, if you feel that you need to talk about something find someone to talk to; do not alienate yourself from your loved ones and friends. The best advice I can give is to remember that although a chapter in your life is now over; your life isn't. It may not feel this way initially but you have to remember your future, set new goals and dreams in your new life!!!

Preventing Divorce...Is this Possible?

If you're looking at your marriage and all you see is divorce, is it possible that you can do something to help prevent that divorce? Of course, anything is possible. Will this work for everyone, I don't know, but I do know that at the very least you can say you tried to make your marriage work. An article in Divorce Magazine discusses 10 tips for preventing divorce. These tips include things like, make time for your spouse, to talk, show affection and keep up on each others goals. Compliment your spouse regularly and not just in private but in public as well. Do things for your spouse that you know he or she will appreciate. Take care of your appearance, and your health. Remain faithful, adultery equals divorce. Do things together but also spend time apart so you can miss each other. Don't just look at your spouse as your wife or husband but consider them your friend, it states friendship is the key to a happy marriage. The article also suggests to spell out the basics of your relationship in a yearly contract and Lastly, say I Love You everyday!!! (Image Source)

Although these are wonderful tips I had to make sure different people felt almost the same way (because no one person and no couple is the same). Ezine Articles also has a 10 ways to prevent divorce article and there advice and prevention tips are not the same as those in Divorce Magazine. This article suggests, to first accept that you and your spouse are not the same person. Take the time out to get to know each other again, many times couples will lose each other in the "busyness" of life. Then take the time to look at yourself, they pose the question "would you marry you?" don't just blame your partner for everything. When you argue take that argument and strip it down to its core, because maybe you can find a way to avoid that argument next time. Sit down with your spouse and come up with new and exciting things to do to spice up your relationship. Create a "couple" tradition, kind of like a family tradition but just for the two of you, this may serve as an anchor when times are getting rough. Try and find ways to rekindle your romance. Communicate, if you want your spouse to know what you're feeling you have to talk. Concentrate on the things you know you can fix and don't try to fix the things you know you can't. Lastly, if you feel you have to seek professional help do it with a positive attitude.

Hopefully these tips can help you try and save your marriage, take a look at the tips that stand out to you and try them. The reason I gave two examples is to show that no couple is the same and what might work for some may not work for others; you can even try and combine a lot of these tips. If you are not married yet, but your are interested in learning how to make your future marriage last, you can also look up information on Premarital Education . As I stated before, if you see that your marriage is headed towards divorce don't give up, preventing it is possible as long as you try...

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Did You Know? Video...

Did you know? is a short (4:55) video by by Karl Fisch, Scott McLeod, and Jeff Bronman, remixed that is very interesting. I believe did you know? is about the advancements of information technology. This video includes various statistics pertaining to how life is today and how technologically advanced life will be in the future. Information technology (IT), for those of you who don't know is the use of computers and software to manage information. I have been asked, do you think the video is xenophobic? Xenophobia is an unreasonable fear or hatred of foreigners or strangers or of that which is foreign or strange. Initially, when I saw this video I said to myself, no, this video is not xenophobic. However, after taking some time, watching the video again and thinking about it, this is what I believe this video is.

Did you know?, presents the idea that advancements in technology are far surpassing the human mind. With statements shown in the video like "we are currently using technologies that haven't been invented, in order to solve problems we don't even know are problems yet" and "by 2013 a super computer will be built that exceeds the computational capabilities of the human brain", suggests to me a fear of technological advancements, advancements that do not exist yet making them foreign (unfamiliar). This video is essentially saying did you know that technology will be the world as we know it, in ways that you can't even imagine. Technology is going to be so advanced that "by 2049 a $1000 computer will exceed the computational capabilities of the entire human species", what does this mean for the human species? Not only do I believe this video is xenophobic, I believe it can instill xenophobia in people toward technology, its advancements and the future.

After watching this video, it made me think of certain articles I have read in class. In Anderson's 2004 "The long tail" he discusses how the universe has shifted going from a one to many model of distribution to a many to many distribution. How with this universal shift all things became possible. Is this video suggesting another universal shift? What form of distribution will we have in 2049 when computers are far surpassing humans? In Hargitai's 2000 article, "Radios lessons for the Internet" he discusses how government regulations are inevitable for the Internet, that because of the issues facing the radio and how the government essentially needed to regulate the radio that they will not make the same mistake with the Internet. So how far will the Internet grow with all these technological advancements? Will the government regulations eventually become a problem and butt heads with the many to many model of distribution. Looking at Dimaggio,et al. 2001 article "Social Implications of the Internet", and how it discusses massification and the Internets impact on culture made me think, how will everything discussed in this video impact culture. How will things like a super computer affect us directly?

Fortunately, this video did not make me feel xenophobic about the future. However, it did make me think a lot about what the future holds for the world. It made me wonder how quickly will we advance technologically, and if all this technology will be better or worse for the future. If in "2008 1 in every 8 couples married met online", then imagine how many married couples will have met online by 2020. If this video is even a little bit true it means that the world will be changing extremely fast right before my eyes and I have a crazy future to look forward to. I recommend that everyone who reads this post watch the video, it is very interesting and if you have your own opinions on it feel free to leave a comment.

The Different Types of Divorce

Divorce, Divorce, Divorce!!! Thats all we usually hear of, but are there different types of divorce? Yes, legally there are different types of divorce. According to the resource for family law "Different states have different rules about the types of divorces that they grant, and usually these different categories have specific regulations and factors that judges and courts consider before they officially move to dissolve a marriage". The different types of divorce include, Absolute Divorce which ends all legal bonds between two people in regards to being a couple. However, as stated before the grounds for an absolute divorce are different from state to state. There is also a Limited Divorce which is almost the same as legal separation. A limited divorce gives partners time to settle things like alimony, child support, child custody and division of property before the separation is finalized. Uncontested Divorce which "is when both parties in an ending relationship reach a mutual accord about the disposition of property, finances, children, and other often contentious issues". Lastly, there is a No Fault Divorce which occurs when no one is at fault for the failure of the marriage, in this case couples will file for divorce stating "irreconcilable differences". Depending on what state you live in there may actually many other types of divorce.

Of course if all you haven't heard is divorce, divorce, divorce you probably have heard of an annulment. In case you were wondering an annulment like a divorce dissolves a marriage however, an annulment indicates a marriage never happened. Many times in order to get re married in the roman catholic church a divorce is not sufficient, you must have an annulment. Grounds for an annulment can differ but include, fraud or misrepresentation (i.e your spouse is already married). Concealment which would mean that your spouse concealed a drug addiction or a sexually transmitted disease. If your spouse will not or cannot have sexual intercourse with you. Lastly, a misunderstanding, I would imagine in order for the church to grant you an annulment it would have to be a great misunderstanding like a different desire to have children.

A divorce isn't just always about the legal proceedings, many times divorce affects the individuals. This can be called an emotional divorce. An emotional divorce is the emotional separation and the feelings associated with it. The hardest part of a divorce can be letting go of the feelings you have for your partner, some people go through this emotional divorce for years after the legal divorce. To get through an emotional divorce can take more work when there are children involved. "The on-going relationships between your children and both of their parents also complicate the resolution of emotional issues."

People can forget that a divorce is much more complicated than the word. So if you plan on getting a divorce try and deal with your emotions so you don't spend years dealing with the emotions you should have let go of before the divorce. Look into the different types of divorce granted in your state and try to make it as easy as a divorce can get on you and your children. Also if you know someone going through a divorce be supportive, remember its a process not just a legeal one but an emotional one as well.

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